How to solve the Zim problem

So the Zimbabwe run-off is most likely off. Morgan Tsvangirai is holed up in a Dutch embassy somewhere fearing for his life. In the past month he’s been detained multiple times and seen not only his supporters but family members of party members violently attacked and killed.

I can understand why Mr Tsvangirai has decided to call it quits. There comes a time when continuing to fight is pointless and one needs to gather themselves so that they can fight again another day.

The question is what can we as South African’s do? The Zimbabwe situation affects us all. It affects our economy as bad neighbours in an area tend to lower the value of your property. We all know that Zimbabweans take our god given South African deserving jobs and they are creating the crime we so valiantly fought with Xenophobic violence.

I’ve put a lot of thought and effort into this so please bear with me as I ramble along:

My solution, while not necessarily cheap, is effective and elegant. I propose a website named “killbob.com” or something equally catchy. Basically we’ll take donations from anyone around the world who is willing to contribute to this worthy cause. If Firefox had 8 million people downloading their software all we need is a dollar from a tenth of that amount of people.

At first I had the idea of hiring a hitman, equipping them with a sniper rifle and sending them to a hill near a political rally. I was thinking in the range of half a million rand, a figure I reckon we could have gotten to easily with a few “donations” by British politicians such as Gordon Brown and Tony Blair – both have a score to settle with old Robert up north.

Being cheap and looking for a way to save some cash I came up with a better idea. We’ll raise a mere one hundred thousand rand and give it to the “Friends of Jacob Zuma” trust. This will then motivate Jacob to want to kill Robert. He’ll then send his lackey, Julius Malema (who apparently is dying to kill for Zuma) to do the dirty work. Malema seems incompetent enough to get caught so not only do we get rid of Mugabe but also Malema so it’s a win-win for everyone! Now the beauty of this system is that we’ll get donations from both the anti Mugabe camps as well as the Democratic Alliance!

Zimbabwe has the potential to be the breadbasket of Africa. All we need to do is band together and create a puppet ruler in the form of Morgan Tsvangirai! We’ll get the Chinese to grow genetically modified food and solve the world food crisis that’s causing so many hassles lately.  The best part is, Tsvangirai wont step out of line as he’ll know there is an ANC youth league president that’ll come get him if he doesn’t follow orders.

Actually, besides for Mugabe and his cronies, no one will loose here. I don’t think this is just a good idea but a revolutionary one! Every month we could raise money for the assassination of another new and exciting dictator. In July we could free Zimbabwe and create one massive farm while in August we could liberate somewhere with oil and solve the petrol issue! I really think I’m on to something here!

I have a dream my loyal readers, a dream that only the power of the Internet can fix! Watch this space: killbob.com (or something since I’m sure that’s been registered). Just remember though, keep in on the down-low, we would not want Bob to find out….

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